I just got out of an 11-month relationship that I was happy in. We had so much fun together, and there was always mutual trust, support, and respect—things that were lost in my previous relationship. But it wasn’t what I know love and a relationship can be. It wasn’t the great love that I crave and am absolutely sure exists. And I wish that wasn’t the case. It sucks to go from just being with someone to having to let go of this person you deeply care about in order to move on. It’s like, “But I wanted to move on with you…” I don’t know what’s harder, trying to move on from an unhealthy relationship or trying to move on from a healthy one. I’ve been through both, and they’re both excruciating in entirely different ways. But also a lot of the same ways. No matter what, it feels shitty. It’s funny how whenever you go through a break-up you can’t help but feel alone, like no one else could ever understand what you’re going through. But everyone knows what it’s like. All of a sudden, it’s painful to see your friends dating and in relationships. Or happily single. I would never wish pain upon anyone else, but it’s a twisted thing to almost want someone else to be going through the pain that you are. You can know people have been through heartbreak before, but unless they’re feeling it at the exact same time as you it almost doesn’t help just knowing that. I know my latest ex (wow, that’s not fun to type) is there for me if I ever need him, and vice versa, but it’s still hard— knowing you have to distance yourself from someone you love for your own well-being. It simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me feel empowered.
I’ve realized that I spent the last year in a relationship that was a security blanket for me. Knowing I always had someone to talk to and spend time with at the end of a long day comforted me in a way that I’m only just recognizing, because I suddenly feel overwhelmingly alone. I know I’m not alone, but that’s how I feel at night. My days are great. I’m making it a point to get outside as much as possible to hike or read on a mountaintop, and I joined a gym that finally feels right to me and am doing my research when it comes to developing proper workouts. I go on my auditions and run my errands and go places just to be out and about in nature. It brings me comfort that I don’t get from being alone in my apartment. I’ve come to love my days more and make better use of them. It’s the nights that are hard. Even when I work late nights or go to a coffee shop until its 11 PM close, it’s hard to come home to a quiet apartment and be alone with my thoughts. And to not have someone to just hug tightly for a full minute. I crave great love with the person I’ll just know is it. But I also understand that I need to go through my emotions as they come and not try to mask them with Bumble dates or glasses of wine. It’s both such a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply and also be so self-aware. Even in the midst of my lowest points, I still know what’s right and wrong, and I know if I’m properly fueling my soul. Then again, maybe I don’t know. Maybe this is the time for me to just try new things and test my own right and wrong. I’ve always had this wise way about me, and I’ve been the advice giver for everyone else. I’m the “mom” of the friend group, but I’m also the goofy one who wants to grow old, but not grow up. I respect rules and authority, but I also believe authority should be tested and questioned in order for real change to happen. I’m a goodie two-shoes, but also a wild child deep down inside of me. I want to tilt the scales and live fully so that I don’t have to search for answers or people but just find myself in the presence of answers and people and fulfillment. I want my experiences to be my teachers. Right now, I feel lost and hurt, but I also feel curious and alive. I have a lot to do and figure out, and sometimes I can’t help but cry at night and miss a person I have so many good feelings for. But it’s also so exciting to not know who or what is coming next.