Good First Dates vs. "Hell Yes" First Dates
11/6/16 Well, I just got home from my first first date in almost exactly a year. I didn’t even mean for it to fall on basically the same night I had my first date with my ex last year, and once I realized, I felt crappy about it. But, a date is just a date. Unless it’s more. This (almost) exact time last year I had gotten off work for the night, both of my roommates were gone, and I felt I looked too cute to just stay in. So, where did I turn? Bumble! I opened up the app to find a guy with potential that I had simply forgotten to respond to. I just wanted to go out and get my flirt on with someone cool. Next thing I know, I’m exchanging numbers with a cute comedian, bonding with him via text over Chris D’Elia’s hilarious standup and snapchat videos… and then I’m heading to a comedy venue close to midnight to meet the guy (and watch him perform, which I was not aware of beforehand) who would be my boyfriend and best friend for the next 11 months. Oh, how time works... Fast forward to right now… I just had a good date with a good guy— exactly what I had this same time last year. But, I know myself well enough to know that I can’t just “see where this goes” romantically. I can see this guy becoming a friend, but I know it won’t be more. I feel like when you have a decent first date, you’re like, “Okay, cool. Maybe we should go out again and see if this could turn into something.” That’s what I did a year ago today. And it became something I’m forever grateful for and can smile about. But, I’ve come to realize that I need “the spark.” You know the spark. It’s that feeling you can’t describe when you feel it, but you know you’re on cloud nine. And then when you don’t feel it, you can’t describe to someone exactly what’s missing, but you just know it’s that thing. I tried to make something work that didn’t have the spark before, and I had something great, but I now know how important that indescribable thing is. You just know when it’s there. And you can’t help but know, deep down, when it’s not.
I’ve been on enough dates and had enough magical moments to know my heart. I know that I’ve been on a lot of first dates and have only had a handful of magical moments. And those are what I crave. They’re the reason I go on any first date. If I don’t feel the absolute need to kiss you by the end of the night, this probably isn’t going to work out. I spent the last year in a good relationship with a good guy, but we never had those magical moments I’ve had before. That doesn’t take away from all the wonderful moments and great conversations we did have, but there was always that something missing for me. I got into that relationship, because I felt a deep sense of friendship and comfort with someone, and there was romance there, but I didn’t have that “hell yes” feeling you should have when you get into a relationship with someone. Yes, things can start out slow and turn into something great, or you can be unsure about someone and end up falling for them. But, I know myself. I need the absolute “HELL YES.” I want to connect with someone on such a deep level that looking into their eyes isn’t something I have to force myself to try and do. I can always feel it right away when I’m having trouble looking at someone for real, but it takes me longer to recognize when I feel completely comfortable. I love that. I want to be so connected that looking into your eyes is natural and second nature. I want to get butterflies and forget that my iPhone exists until I realize I have no idea what time it is or where the time has gone. I want to be determined to not let the night end without getting that kiss that makes me go to bed giddy and so excited about all the possibilities with you. I’ve had that. I know that exists. And holy shit, it’s the best! Once you’ve experienced certain things and know they exist, you can’t settle for less. Well, you can, but you don’t want to. I can’t settle for less than great love and magic, and I don’t care how many people think I’m naive. I know what I’m capable of feeling as a human who refuses to love less than deeply. I’m proud of the people I’ve dated, and I hate ending a date with a nice guy who I just know isn’t for me. It sucks. It’s tough to try and dodge a kiss, and it’s tough to have to tell someone you don’t feel what they feel. It’s tough on both sides. But, it’s even tougher to find yourself growing attached to something and someone that you know in your heart isn’t right. I don’t want that to happen again this time around. The guy I went out with tonight is perfect on paper. I spent so much time talking to him via text, and we also had two phone conversations that lasted a combined 5-6 hours. It’s such a weird thing that you can connect with someone so deeply in these ways and not have that transfer over to in-person. Now I think I understand people on “Catfish.” It’s like, “How do you not feel something for me in person when we’ve shared our deepest, darkest secrets and dreams?” But, that’s the weird truth. Who knows where chemistry comes from, but the fact of the matter is, it’s very real and very important, albeit intangible. No one can fault you for not being attracted to them, or question how you could open up to them and still not be in love with them. Life is weird. And beautiful. Some things hurt and don’t make sense, and other things make you feel like the happiest person in the world. I’m bummed out that I didn’t feel strong romantic feelings towards this guy, because he’s wonderful. But, I can’t help it. I can feel bad, but I can’t apologize for that. This experience, like all the others, are leading me to where I’m supposed to be and who I’m supposed to be with. And the same goes for this guy. Who knows why we’ve made appearances in each other’s lives, but there’s a reason. And we’re being led exactly where we’re supposed to go. So, cheers to all that cheesy, cheesy truth! At the end of the day, every experience is something to be learned from. It’s okay to take chances on people, and I’ve done that. But I don’t think I want to go into another relationship with the “Let’s just take a chance on this” mindset. I much prefer that “HELL YES” mindset that makes everything feel like it’s exactly right, even if it doesn’t end up lasting. Because eventually that feeling will lead to the thing that lasts. I’ve loved, and I’ve learned. If you’re learning, every relationship will be better than the last. And then it’ll be the last. Everything will be worth it “when the right one comes along.” That’s the song I’ll keep replaying— “When the Right Ones Comes Along”— because it reminds me of the bigger picture and that all the moments of confusion and longing and heartbreak are going to be so worth it when I can look at someone and know wholeheartedly that they’re my person. So, I’ve had another nice first date. And I’ll probably have more of those. Here’s to all the first dates that lead me to the people and experiences that make me feel that “HELL YES” feeling. Here’s to all “hell yeses” in life, because they make everything else worth it. And here’s to my final “hell yes” person, whoever you are and whenever I meet you.