Finding My Happiness Post-Breakup
I feel like the happiest little clam in the world right now, and I have no idea why, because nothing particularly exciting has happened. In fact, I feel like I spent the last five days working nonstop and jumping from job to job. Yesterday, after an exhausting day at job #2, I had to run home, eat (slash catch up on a tiny bit of The Voice), and change out of my Southern cafe uniform into a nice outfit of my choosing for job #1 at my fancy Italian restaurant. I was tired and reeeeeally not looking forward to having to work through the rest of the night, but I decided to throw on a cute and comfy sweater, some little boots, and paint my lips with red liner. The second I felt the chilly air outside, I just perked up completely. It’s been too warm for my liking this fall in Los Angeles, and we’ve only had about three real fall days, so the second I felt that chill, I was instantly in the best mood. I carried that mood into work with me at 4:30 and kept it through the time I left around 11 PM to when I finally fell asleep close to 1 AM. This may sound cheesy (who doesn’t like a little cheesy, though, ya know?), but I feel so alive right now. I know that autumn through winter can be a tough time for people, with the colder weather and darkness coming earlier, both literally and figuratively. I was nervous that it might be a tough time for me this year (even though I normally love it), because I’m fresh out of a relationship that I was just in the beginning stages of at this very time last year. This time last year, I was getting to know a guy who would become my boyfriend and best friend for 11 months. We ended things, because I kept coming back to this sinking feeling that something was missing, even though I loved being with him and hated being without him. It’s the blessing and curse of being a hopeless romantic and knowing that deeper love exists. The universe won’t let you miss what it has in store for you. That dang universe, amirite? Even though I’m the one who ultimately caused the break-up, the whole situation seemed to be harder on me than him after the initial numbness I felt wore off. At first, I knew I had done the right thing and felt fine, but then everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Night after night after night. Being alone in my room with my thoughts and longing and sadness was absolute torture. The days were empowering and productive, but the nights hurt so bad. And the tears refused to stop (those little A-holes). I've always been proud of the fact that I'm able to feel on deep levels, love hard, and empathize with others, but on the same token, that means the highs of life are incredibly high, and the lows are incredibly low. Another blessing-and-curse situation. At first, I needed my ex to just come over and lie with me and hug me while I cried and grieved the end of what we had, but of course, that stopped being healthy very quickly. So, I had to cut the cord. I forced myself to get out and do more so I wasn't drowning in my sad thoughts. I went on walks in my favorite park, read on a hilltop that overlooks the city, got into weight training at the gym, and would go to this one cafe on especially tough nights to read and drink tea until the place closed down. All these activities helped me to be out in the world and around people but doing my own thing. They basically saved me from my sadness and helped me move on.
I’m both surprised and grateful when it comes to how quickly those torturous nights disappeared. I don’t know exactly when I went from feeling miserable and crying every night to feeling just fine to feeling as happy as I do right now. But I’m here. This is me in my happiness. I have such awesome thoughts and feelings living inside of me right now, and it feels so damn good. I’ve always been a naturally positive, hopeful person, but you don’t realize, or you forget, all the intensely negative feelings you’re capable of feeling until you go through something like a break-up. This wasn’t my first break-up, but it had been so long since I had had one that I almost forgot all the pain and tears and “Don’t you dare text him and set yourself back” thoughts that come with it. It’s been about two months, and I’m just so good. This is way easier than my previous break-up in terms of the speedy disintegration of my sadness and heartbreak, but it’s harder in the sense that I’m losing someone that was a healthy, positive addition to my life. Someone with whom I shared mutual trust, respect, support, and endless laughter. I’ll miss that so much. I do miss that so much. I miss him. I hate knowing that a great chapter of my life is over and that so many of the things I was able to share with this person will only exist in the alternate universe that’s the past. It sucks. But, I will always be incredibly thankful, first and foremost, for the friendship I had with him. We had such a fun 11 months together. When I’m feeling lonely and confused, I remind myself that I’ll eventually have the person and the love that I know is out there for me. And that makes everything worth it. I want more people to be able to trust in that, find comfort in that, and refuse to settle for less than that. I have enough confidence in myself and the great love that will come to know I don’t need to worry. Right now, I’m more than content simply feeling gratitude. I’m immensely thankful for all the beautiful things that are living and brewing inside my little body and big heart. Even if something shakes this feeling tomorrow, or when I finish typing this, I’ll be just fine. We move on, and we get through things, even when it feels like we’ll never get over such intense feelings. But, we do. I did. I will. For now, though, I’ll take in every bit of this happiness and gratitude, and I’ll be there for the people who don’t feel these things as strongly as I do at this point in time. Because I know the tables with turn, and we all need other people to help us get through. Cheers to that!