A Night of Innocent Romance with a Perfect Stranger
So, I had one of those nights last night. A totally random, unexpected but refreshing, night filled with deep conversation, laughs, and a real connection to a perfect stranger I didn’t want to stop kissing. Man, had it been a while since I’d had one of those.
And today I feel, at once, completely invested and uninvested in the memory and the person I was wrapped up in blankets with almost 24 hours ago.
It feels really dang good.
I’m allowing myself to experience life and connect with people but not be trapped by expectations and pressure. Not that expectations are bad at all. Expectations and holding people to certain standards are both important in life, but sometimes we need to let ourselves throw everything away and get lost in moments and people and not worry about what comes next.
The truth is, I’m so not over my ex. This becomes more and more evident to me every day, and yet, I have a massive crush on a guy at my gym who makes me blush every time I see him, and I was able to share a romantic night of closeness yesterday with someone totally different from the two other someones I just mentioned. Life, maaaan.
I’m 22 years old, have only ever had sex with the two boyfriends I’ve had, don’t think casual sex is for me (although there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it if you want that and own it)…but I love feeling close to people. Don’t we all? I reeeeally miss having sex with someone I love and care about, but it’s also really nice to just share closeness with someone through deep conversation, laughter, music, and kissing and cuddling. Luckily the guy I spent last night with was on the same page with me about that.
I’ve always thought of myself as a relationship person, and I definitely am. But, I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m simply not meant to be in a relationship right now, at this point in my life. I’m discovering myself more and more every day, trying new things, meeting new people, and pushing myself to be more proactive and adventurous. And yesterday I was.
I had a busy day at work (the Italian restaurant I work at was abnormally slammed for Sunday brunch), and once we had gotten through it ($$$), my female coworker and I figured we’d treat ourselves by going out for drinks. Normally we both leave work on Sundays and separately head home, but we were feeling a little venturesome. So we hopped in her car and headed over to one of my favorite bars.
Very shortly after walking into the bar, we met a couple of guys. Seemingly all of a sudden, I was wrapped up in blankets and the arms of a boy I had just shaken hands with six hours prior. Okay, I lied. He wasn’t a boy. He was a man. He is a man. He graduated from high school ten years before I did, and we’re both at ages now (22 and 32) where that little fact is just that— a little fact. We had an innocent, quietly passionate night of cuddles and kisses and playing each other songs on Spotify. A lot of old-timey country music was listened to, as well as my new favorite song by Ryan Beaver about when you’re feeling lonely, want to cut the BS and small talk, and just get real with someone who wants to get real with you. And it was so, so nice.
I’ve deeply missed being able to look into eyes that are curious about me; eyes that belong to someone who's happy he gets to hold me. Getting to put my hands on someone’s beard and wrap my hands around their neck and just look into their eyes and take them in and hear them whisper “You’re so fucking cute” every few minutes without trying to take things further with me felt just right. Wildly unexpected, but just right.
We fell asleep for a little while, woke up and talked and kissed some more, and then I had my guy friend pick me up and drive me to my car, because the guy I was wrapped up in wasn’t good to drive me home, and I wasn’t ready to have a sleepover with anyone new just yet.
So, I had a night. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and this guy, or me and anyone right now, but I’m totally okay with that. I’ll figure it all out.
For now, I just want to have more experiences that remind me how fleeting and magical and scary and fucking incredible life is.