4/12/17: Home for My Grandma's Funeral + Thoughts on Love
One week ago today I was sitting in my Los Angeles apartment writing a blog post about having one of my best weeks ever and feeling overwhelming gratitude. Today I’m sitting in my mom’s childhood apartment in The Bronx helping her plan my grandmother’s funeral. Oh, the seasons of our lives…
I don’t write about death very often, because I already think about it too much, and it’s hard for me to throw my thoughts out there and indirectly be talking about it with people I may or may not know very well. I’m all about vulnerability, but I just can’t deal with people’s cynicism sometimes on a topic like that. So, I won’t talk about death. I’ll talk about life. And feelings.
I’ve written this before, and I’ll write it again and again… I feel so dang deeply, as a lot of us do. I have so much going on in this head of mine. Being in this apartment is bringing up so many feelings and memories and dreams, and I’m thinking about so much but with a sense of numbness. I can’t help but remember that the last time I was in this apartment, about eight months ago, I was excitedly introducing my then-boyfriend to my grandma. I didn’t know that day that it would be the first and last time they would meet. My grandma didn’t say a whole lot during the visit, but she made it a point to tell my mom how much she liked my ex and thought he was a good guy. And he was. He is.
And then I think about my first love, the only other boyfriend I’ve had, and it makes me sad that in the three to four years we were (mostly) together, he never met this grandma of mine. I have no idea why. He met my other set of grandparents, but he never met my mom’s mom. For some silly reason that hurts my heart a little.
I’m having thoughts about love and exes and future relationship(s) I have yet to experience; life and death and family; human connection and the importance of authenticity and the genuine desire to know and love people for everything they are. So many thoughts.
When the wheels are turning inside my head and I’m expressing myself to others in person, I always take note of who truly wants to hear about all the deep thoughts and silly nonsense that go on inside of me. Of who doesn’t feel the itch to check their phone. I had a conversation with a coworker the other night in which we talked about how all any of us are looking for is someone who wholeheartedly wants to know us in our entirety. I told her not to settle for less than someone who makes her feel completely and utterly understood in everything that she is, has been, and wants to be. Because someone like that exists. There’s probably a good amount of people that have the desire to know you, but it all comes down to who you feel most comfortable with, who you want to share your whole self with, and who makes you feel appreciated and got.
And right now, at this time in my life, I’m feeling a little lonely. I currently don’t have someone that makes me feel got. I’m spending all this time in the apartment my mom grew up in with her two parents who are no longer living on this Earth. We can’t reach them. We can’t see them in person or talk to them or ask them the questions we never got to ask. I’m watching my mom try her hardest to just get through each day knowing her mom is gone. I don’t have the right words for her, but I’m right there with her. I know I’m a good person and daughter, but I also know that I’m not the ideal comforter in this situation. And that’s okay. This may be a controversial thing to say, but we all just want a romantic partner to be there with us through the good and bad times, and when we don’t have that there’s a loneliness we feel.
Don’t get me wrong, having loving, supportive friends and family members is huge in life. It helps us remember that the little troubles are little and the big hardships are bearable. But, it shouldn’t be wrong to acknowledge that having a loving, supportive romantic partner carries a certain comfort that nothing else does. I wish the love of my life was here to hold me through this and stand by my side…but I don’t know him yet. So I have to do what I’m used to doing: be strong, be there for myself, and be there for my family.
My mom and I both simply don’t have our romantic love people right now, so we need to rely on each other even more. And that’s beautiful in its own way.
There’s a time and place for everything, and everyone. I'm happy I get to spend time celebrating my grandma's time on this Earth with my mom during our time. Time, time, time. :)