Feelings & Ghosting & Checking in with Myself
I try so hard to be a good person and respect the feelings of guys who have feelings for me that I can't return. But I'm human. I get lonely and needy and fed up with dating apps and conversations that die out for no reason whatsoever because I don't respond or they don't respond. I get too flirty with guys I know will respond and give me attention that I can't necessarily return, and I drunk text exes I know won't respond to my satisfaction because they're guarding their hearts that I broke by ending relationships I felt lost in. Dating is exhausting, but I keep putting myself out there, online and in person, because I know it's worth it. Or it will be. But I have countless lonely nights and send texts that I shouldn't. Sometimes I'm incredibly forward but realize quickly I don't feel depth, and I leave guys confused. I went from taking pride in never "ghosting" to sometimes ghosting, because it's hard to keep up with all the texts guys send and all the guys I reluctantly give my number to in a Trader Joe's aisle or at a local concert. I've dated boring guys who are probably wonderful surrounded by the right people and personalities, and I've dated lovely guys with whom I just didn't feel that spark. Most of them I've been upfront with; others I never got back to. I try, and I try, and sometimes I fall short. Sometimes I don't send the texts that need to be sent or make the calls that need to be made or meet up with people I should meet up with. I get lonely waiting for return texts that take a while, even when I know a guy is interested, and sometimes I’m the one leaving guys hanging with delayed responses. I don't want to be a negative product of this millennial dating culture, and I'm mostly proud to have done such a good job of being vulnerable and respectful and open, but I fuck up more often than I'd like to admit. But here I am checking in with myself. I hope to always find myself here. I hope to always be working to be better.