November Thoughts + Misplaced Girlfriend-y Feelings
First off, Happy November! What I really mean by that is... OMG IT'S FINALLY NO SHAVE NOVEMBER (#NoShaveNovember) AND I'M OVERWHELMINGLY EXCITED BECAUSE BEARDS AND GUYS GROWING BEARDS TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR CANCER RESEARCH AND LADIES GROWING HAIR IF THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR CANCER RESEARCH HELL YEAH.
Basically, I really like November. I admit, I'm a sucker for a big ole beard. Or a not-so-big beard. Maybe even just a little scruff. But I also don't discriminate against the clean-cut look. I just really, really enjoy looking at a nice beard. And if I get to kiss the face the beard belongs to, I mean...I'll do it. No need to beg. Okay, maybe this is getting creepy. Clearly I have very strong emotions when it comes to beards. I'll control myself now.
November is a bittersweet month, because, at least in Los Angeles, it signals the real start of fall (weather-wise) to accompany the somewhat gloomy days and chilly nights that become darker earlier. It also means it's Thanksgiving month and No Shave November month (as you all definitely know now). It's chillier, and there's this desire to be cozy, whether that means bundled up in blankets with a hot drink and a book or movie OR the longing for a romantic connection and someone to share the chilly nights with.
I've noticed something different about myself over the last few weeks, and I don't think it's something I've ever experienced before. It's a little tough to explain, but I'm finding myself having a lot of girlfriend-y feelings and tendencies lately. I don't know if that sounds weird or normal, considering I'm not in a relationship or seeing anyone right now, but I think I'm having this longing for the version of myself I am when I'm in a relationship. When I love someone romantically, there's this giddiness to me that's different from the giddiness I carry with my every day. I always think back to times when my latest ex would visit me at work back when I was a host at my restaurant, and every time I saw him walk through the door I couldn't stop smiling. Even just hanging out with him at my apartment or cooking dinner with him around to help me and keep me company made me smile. Something I love about myself is that when I love someone, I make them feel like the most special, most handsome person in the world. Because that's who they are to me when I'm with them. When I was in my first relationship, I was like, "Holy shit, how am I ever going to be this attracted to someone again?" And then when I got into my second relationship and grew in love with my last boyfriend, I felt that same feeling. Bottom line: Whoever I'm with is the owner of my favorite face, and I will be touching and kissing that face lots and lots. Sue me, ya know?
I just have all this giddiness and excitement that lives in my heart, and I use it every day, but there's a romantic part of it that kind of remains idle when I'm not in a relationship or feeling strong feelings towards someone I get to share those with. When I'm single, I sometimes feel like I can't channel this romantic love that lives in my heart. And that's totally normal. But, lately I've weirdly been finding myself wanting to comfort guys in my life in a girlfriend-y way. It's a new thing I'm not used to. Like, I have guy friends and even just male acquaintances who are going through things, and I picture myself comforting them in ways I would if I was their girlfriend. I fantasize about being that support system and making them feel loved and appreciated, especially when I know they're not getting love and appreciation elsewhere (either because they're single or in unfulfilling relationships). It's this foreign thing I'm going through in my head. It breaks my heart to see guys I care about in relationships I know they're scared to get out of, and although it's not my responsibility to make decisions for them or force them in the right direction, I still feel this sense of wanting to show them there's something and someone better out there for them. And then there's the guys in my life who are single--some lost in their lives and others almost too comfortable because they haven't had romance in a while--and I almost want to make them feel appreciated the way I would if they were my boyfriend(s). I can't tell if this sounds insane or not. Maybe it's this fall weather making me crave coziness and romance. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm walking this weird line of being a good friend in person, but in my mind knowing what my guy friends need romantically that they're not getting. Some advice or words of comfort have to be kept to myself, because I'm not their girlfriend. In my head and in my heart I know how to be what they need, but I can't be that for them. I just miss being that person for someone. And then there's the toughest part of it all, which is that my desire to make the guys in my life feel appreciated sometimes means that guys I'm not romantically interested in (but do care about) fall for me. It's this weird thing I've dealt with a lot throughout my life. I have this motherly, girlfriend-y quality about me that's me being a good friend, but guys I've seen as just friends latch onto it and feel like they need it, because they don't get it elsewhere. And that's the thing... We--all of us--tend to latch onto people and feelings that seem rare to us, because we don't know when we'll experience or find them again. I've done it. It's hard to get a taste of romance and/or a genuinely good person and not know how long it will be until you get to feel or see that again.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but this chilly weather is making me have all these thoughts and feelings.
Going along with all this stream of conscious babbling... I see couples all the time. Working at a restaurant, especially, I see people on first dates and couples who have been together for a while, and I'm surprised at how little laughter and playfulness is shared. One thing I'm really proud of in terms of my last relationship is that my ex and I made everything fun. Whether we were out to dinner or running around Target or washing our windshields at a gas station, we were always, always making jokes and belly laughing. I wish I saw more of that out in the world. I know it exists, but I don't see it as often as I feel I should. Sometimes, when I don't see it, I get this feeling of, "Then why did I end my last relationship if we had so much fun together?" And the answer is simply, There are lots of good people out there. In modern dating, it feels rare to meet a genuinely good person. But I've, thankfully, dated some of the nicest, coolest guys throughout my time in Los Angeles. I promise you, there's lots of them. Then again, just because there's a lot of good doesn't mean it's the great love we're craving.
I'm craving more. And I know more exists. I'm excited for it, but I'm not desperate for it. So, I'll be patient. But that doesn't mean I won't have lonely nights or miss the comfort of a romantic partner. I have plenty of those nights, and I miss that comfort a lot. And I miss me.
I miss who I get to be in a relationship-- a fuller version of myself as a best friend, lover, support system, and jokester. And I don't feel anti-feminist or weak saying that. We all need people, and life is so much fuller with deep love. That in no way means I'm living an unfulfilling life as a single person, but I can't help but look forward to the version of myself I get to be when I'm in love and have someone to share my extra giddiness with. Someone to love and support and comfort and laugh with. I lead a happy life on my own without it, but I know life feels deeper and fuller with it. Alas, there's a time and place for everything and everyone...