Why I'm Still Waiting For My Soul Connection People.
I don’t know why it feels semi-difficult to type this out, but I’ve come to realize that I’ve been a better friend and romantic partner to others than they’ve been to me. That doesn’t mean all my friends and boyfriends have been shitty (definitely not), but I can’t ignore that I’ve been there for people in ways I know they wouldn’t be there for me. And that’s simultaneously sad and enlightening.
I often have this thought of, I’m still waiting for my people in life. I feel like I’m still waiting for those soul connection friends and lover(s) that will lift me up higher and see me as deeply and as lovingly as I see myself. Those people that go above and beyond for you when you’re in need and never make you feel like a burden.
Social media definitely has its downsides, but one thing I love about it is that I can peek into people’s lives and friendships and feel inspired. For all the fake smiles and disingenuous posts, there’s a lot of authenticity and light. For instance, there’s a big group of friends made up of actors, writers, bloggers, and humanitarians, like Sophia Bush ('One Tree Hill'), Aaron Paul ('Breaking Bad'), Lauren Paul (Kind Campaign), Jedediah Jenkins, and Ruthie Lindsey. Following them—seeing their get togethers, the trips they go on, and the paragraphs they type up filled with words of love and respect for one another—fills me with so much joy and hope. Joy that there are people like that who exist in this world and hope that I’ll find likeminded people to build that kind of bond with.
I have some wonderful people in my life, and I’ve made lifelong friends, but I have this understanding with myself that there are these big connections I have yet to make. And that’s as exciting as it is disappointing. That idea kind of cushions the loneliness I often feel and gives me so much to look forward to.
When I think about who I am as a friend and girlfriend, and even just a human being, I’m reminded of how there I am. I’m reminded of the fact that I go out of my way to make sure people know they’re not a burden to me, even when I have to rearrange my day and time to help them out. When someone is going through something difficult or needs help, the last thing I ever want is for them to feel worse, or like they’re inconveniencing me.
I don’t have the desire to be best friends with every person I meet, but I do feel a connection to every person I meet. I want the best for my fellow humans whether I trust and agree with them or not. And if you’re my friend, I’ll have your back. Even if I don’t really consider you a friend, I’ll probably still have your back. I can disagree with your actions and decisions, but there’s a good chance I’ll defend you to some extent if someone talks badly about you. Of course, sometimes I slip up and say things I shouldn’t, but for the most part, I’m there for people.
If no one else wants to go out of their way to drive you home, I will. If you need me to work for you so you can take a self-care day, I’ll cover for you. If you’re stuck in a relationship with a shitty person and need to vent about it, I’ll listen and stand by you while you make your own mistakes, even if I’m screaming at you in my head.
And if you’re my boyfriend, I’ll be awake with you at 4am when you’ve had too much to drink. I’ll leave surprise notes in your car on the first day of your new job. I’ll sit through every painful open mic to maybe or maybe not get to see you do three minutes of comedy. I’ll get mad as hell when some asshole steals your material, but I’ll hold it together so you can handle the situation yourself. I’ll ask you to tell me everything about everyone that’s ever meant something to you. I’ll spend a good portion my free time listening to the music and podcasts that light your soul on fire so that I can get closer to your soul. I’ll read the article you’re too scared to read about your best friend who passed away in a car accident, and I’ll read stories and Facebook posts from all the people who loved him. I’ll laugh with you and make you laugh. I’ll never let a dinner date be just a dinner date. I’ll never let a road trip be just a road trip. And I’ll hope for the same in return.
I always hope for the same in return.
But I rarely get it. I always feel like this sounds obnoxious to say, but I’ve never been on the receiving end of a breakup, whether serious or casual. And I think that’s because romantic partners, and potential romantic partners, know I have what they want in terms of love and affection and fun. I don't say that on some high horse, but I do say it with confidence. I read and write a lot of about love and relationships and what it takes to make love last, and I take pride in that. I’m open and straightforward and vulnerable and goofy, and I know how to be there for the people I love. But just because I can doesn’t mean I will, specifically in terms of a romantic relationship. I have all the tools I need, but I can’t give what I’m not getting in return. Maybe I can, but only for so long. That’s what I learned in my last relationship. I was with a good guy who I loved and trusted and who was there when I needed him, but because his awareness about the depths of what romantic love can be wasn’t in line with mine, there was always something missing. I had so much to give but couldn’t get it all out, because I knew I wouldn’t get as much in return. But I put forth enough to keep him happy and blissfully unaware of all that I knew was missing. And that’s the saddest thing. Had I not kept coming back to this sinking feeling that something was missing and vocalized what I was feeling, he would have never known there was something missing. But I would have. I just needed more.
I need someone to return to me what I give to them, but in their own way. I need someone who wants to know me—past, present, and future—as much as I want to know them. I need someone who spends a generous amount of their precious free time listening to songs I love and learning about the things that set my soul on fire so they can better serve me as a friend and lover. I need a constant back and forth of deep, patient, silly love; a balance that lets us both have off days but know we’ll always have the other person to pick us back up.
I need that in a romantic partner and lover, and I need that in friends.
At the end of the day, I’m a giver. I give even when I don’t get the same in return. But there are going to be times when I don’t have it in me to give as much as I usually do. There will be times when I need to fall apart and crumble and cry, and I'll need people who can give without making me feel like a burden to them. There's this idea that we should all give without asking for or expecting anything in return, and it's important to break that down. When it comes to volunteering and giving to the less fortunate, we should do that with a pure heart rather than for any type of praise. When it comes to the company we keep, however, we must give generously, putting in time and effort and unconditional love, and we must expect a certain level of the same in return. Sometimes we'll get it, and sometimes we won't. And then we'll get it tenfold and know who's in our tribe. We have to check in with ourselves to make sure our giving isn't taking too much out of us. We have to make sure we're not giving too much of ourselves to people who don't deserve it and take it for granted. I love to give, but it’s more than okay to acknowledge that I need people who provide the kind of unconditional love and generosity that I do.
Moral of the story: Go above and beyond, and find the people who go above and beyond for you.