• Alyssa Piperis

Exploring My Views on Sex & Sexuality

*This is a somewhat personal post (that I’ve admittedly been putting off posting), as I’ve never really blogged in detail about my sex life and views on sex and sexuality. But, I’m doing it! I’ve always told my friends it’s important to talk about sex and masturbation, yet I’ve been kind of afraid of tackling these subjects in a more public domain. At this point in my life, though, I find myself extra curious and open, and I have thoughts I want to share— for myself and anyone else who may be able to relate. So, I’m posting it, because if I don’t now I’ll probably keep chickening out.

“Politically Liberal, Sexually Conservative”

I feel like a teenage girl exploring her sexuality and writing in her diary, but I’m just gonna say what I wanna say: I think I might want to have casual sex for the first time in my life. Maybe not “nice to meet you, let’s leave this bar together” kinda casual sex, but sex outside of a concrete relationship.

This might sound trivial to a lot of people, but it’s a big deal for me, y’all. I have so many thoughts on this that I’m trying to sort out, so let’s do it. Let’s chit chat right now.

For a handful of years now, I’ve had this little joke when describing my personal views on sex and sexuality to friends and potential romantic partners. “I’m politically liberal and sexually conservative.”

Sexually Curious Kiddo

It’s funny, because I was the first one of my friends to bring up sex at a young age. I was the one to suggest to my little girlfriends that we kiss each other so we were prepared to kiss boys (since we were all heterosexual, as far as we knew back then :)). I was the first one to masturbate. And everyone thought I’d be the first one to have sex.

But as open as I was to talking about sex—not just talking about it, but really discussing it—I was not the first one to have sex. Somewhere along the lines, I developed very strong personal boundaries and views on sexuality, at least for myself. I wouldn’t go past making out unless I was in a relationship, and that’s been true for most of my life, to this day. In fact, I’d still probably be a virgin now, at age 23, if I hadn’t been in two serious relationships. The two boyfriends I’ve had are the only people I’ve had sex with thus far. But, for the first time probably ever, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be saying that… We’ll get back to this.

Looking Back + Supporting Other Women

I don’t know exactly where my conservative views on sex come from since I’m not from a religious or traditional home by any means. There was never any talk of waiting for love or marriage to have sex, but in my mind I was always waiting for love. I even thought I wanted to wait until marriage for a couple years. I think, for me, I just clung to this idea that I only wanted to have sex with someone with whom I shared love, trust, support, and commitment. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I hated the idea of being “that girl I fucked last night” during locker room talk, or knowing I was “just another girl” to someone. (Spoiler alert: No one can make you feel “less than” without your permission, whether than permission is vocalized or just living inside of you.)

When I was in high school, I think I kind of found myself having holier-than-thou thoughts and thinking I was better and more worthy of true love and respect than girls who had casual sex. If a guy I liked was interested in a girl who slept around I was like, “How could he want someone who’s obviously insecure over me?” Thankfully I’ve matured since then and thrown that somewhat dense judgment out the window. I’ve learned to fiercely love, appreciate, and support my fellow women, whether our choices are similar or different. We all need room to find ourselves, figure out what feels right to us, and make mistakes. Some women are empowered by casual sex, and others engage in it to fill a void that is, sadly, only being made deeper through casual sex. No matter what category a woman falls into at any time in her life, she doesn’t deserve to be shamed. She deserves people who love and support her, as well as the tools to be a fighter for herself.

I also don’t want to be a hypocrite. I look back at who I was in high school, and as similar as I am to that person now, I’m also vastly different. There were so many choices I made in my teens that I thought were set in stone, that I’d never change my mind on. But I’ve changed my mind on them. Of course I have. I’m still changing my mind. I want to give myself and others the freedom to explore and fuck up and learn and grow. Because that’s life, mofos.

How My Openness is “Confusing”

Over the last few years, I’ve come into myself in huge ways. Where I used to by shy and soft-spoken in order to appear intriguing and mature, I’m now unapologetically myself. I used to look at girls who are like I am now and think they’re “too much.” But now I feel sexy being “too much.” I know when to be serious, I’m very tuned into social cues, and I know how to be there for other people, but I’m an unfiltered goofball most of the time, and I love that. I’m forward and flirty and quirky, and I want to talk about sex even if I’m not necessarily looking to have it. Apparently this is confusing.

A handful of guys—friends and guys I’ve dated—have said similar things to me recently, but in different ways. I.e.:

“You’re very curious.” (Not “eager to learn” curious, but the “unexpected” kinda curious.”)

“You’re interesting. You’re extremely forward but also very puritan.”

“You seem very sexually free, but you’ve never had casual sex. Hm.”

Because I’m so straightforward and open, I often end up slightly confusing guys I date and/or meet—at least for a brief period of time as they get to know me—because my forwardness can suggest I’m looking for something sexual sooner than I actually am. Of course, my being forward but not wanting casual sex doesn’t make me a tease or mean that I owe anyone anything more than I’m comfortable with. And I’ll be the first person to tell someone that. A guy shouldn’t expect anything sexual from me (or anyone else), and he sure as hell shouldn’t push for that, because gross. On dating apps it’s easier to present yourself in a less blatantly flirty and forward way, because you can showcase a handful of varied photos and put a little blurb. In bars, though, I understand that I can give off confusing vibes just because I’m very flirty. At bars, I’ll make blatant eye contact with someone, smile when I know there’s a mutual attraction, and then I’ll walk right over. Or, instead of walking right over, I’ll bend my pointer finger and do a “come over here” motion while blatantly mouthing “come over here.” (That’s one of my little moves, but take it if ya wanna. It’s pretty good.) And yet, that doesn’t mean we’re having sex tonight. I’m allowed to flirt and make out, just like the women who do want to end up in bed with someone at the end of the night.

Where I’m at Right Now + Exploring Boundaries

Buuuut, maybe I am tryna do more than make out now. Finally. At this point in time. I think things are definitely changing for me right now. While I don’t like the idea of going home with a dude I just met at a bar, I am open to having sex with a dude from the bar at a later date if he’s a good dude (whose name I know so I’m not just calling him “dude,” of course). Basically, I’m open to casual-but-not-too-casual sex. I want to know someone to an extent, get my STD/STI questions answered (gotta be smart, homies), and feel respected.

This desire for sex that’s not necessarily tied to a relationship is new to me in a way that feels equal parts dangerous and exciting. It feels like my sex drive is evolving. I’ve always had a strong sex drive, but I can feel it shifting. More specifically, I think I’ve always had kind of a unique sex drive in the sense that it’s always been very dependent on my current relationship status. I masturbate year-round (10/10, highly recommend), but I’ve never really had an intense desire for sex unless I’m in a relationship. It’s as though my brain turns a certain part of itself off until I’m with someone I know I have a future with. But I can almost feel that changing inside of me. It could just be cuffing season and/or the fact that I haven’t had sex in over a year now, since I ended my last relationship, but I feel like it’s more than that. I’m starting to feeeeeel thangs. I’ve noticed myself being extra flirty and touchy feely with my guy friends recently. That very well may just be because I have a ton of hot guy friends for the first time ever (I’ve never had so many close guy friends I’m attracted to; it’s v fun, not gonna lie), but whatever the reason(s), I can’t help but notice that I feel more open to casual sex than ever before. (I also just used “feel” far too many times, and in far too many variations, in that paragraph alone.)

I actually slept over a guy’s place the other night for the first time in over a year, and we slept basically naked (with the exception of us each wearing a pair of his boxers, because he didn’t have sweats for me… Laundry day, amirite?). We were physically intimate without having sex. Some of my friends—guys and girls—were like, “How did you guys sleep naked and not have sex?!” Because boundaries, man. If he hadn’t respected mine, I wouldn’t have stayed over. He knew my boundary, and because he was confident and man enough to respect it, I felt comfortable to push it a little. For the first time in probably ever, I could see myself having sex without being in a relationship. I wrestled with the idea of going to third base that night but stopped myself because this particular guy was leaving for three weeks right after this date, and I didn’t want to open that door without knowing if we’d get to continue it later. Because it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I would be torturing myself if I opened that door and immediately had to close it. Not tryna torture my sweet little self like that—no, thank ya. Buuuut, I think the door is opening for me right now. I don’t know how I’d actually feel if I had casual sex just because I’ve tied sex to love and commitment for so long, but I’m starting to think that I could do it and feel empowered. Whether it’s relationship sex or casual sex, I think I just need to feel sexy and respected in the other person’s eyes. I feel sexy and respected from myself, but I have to feel both these things from the other person to be into the idea of having sex with them. And also know they’re not leaving for three weeks, ya know? Had that not been the case, I would have felt more free to explore.

Alllll that being said… There are definitely some unknowns, but I’m excited to see where my curiosity and my sexuality takes me. This sounds so cheesy, but I’ve been waiting for a time of sexual awakening in my life, and I think it’s right around the corner. Who the f knows, but I’m getting ready for it. I think. I hope. #Yolo or whatever.

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