Me rambling about breaking hearts & dating older guys
There’s so much I have inside of me that I want to say, but I can’t seem to get my thoughts together. I was just driving home from work, coming up with all the things I want to blog about and get out of me, but I don’t know where to begin.
I feel like I’m in desperate need of a good cry but can’t get that out either. I think I’ve had a big ole cry in me for like a week now, and I wish I could just let it out. Meh. I also have been struggling with whether or not I want to blog about my love life, because I know some guys I date check out my blog, and my loyalty runs so deep that I never want anyone to be hurt by my words, even though I never have malicious intentions. But I can’t help how I feel.
That being said, I find myself bored, which is often the case. And I feel cruel saying “bored,” because that sounds like I had no fun with the guy I’ve been dating, and that’s not the case. My last non-poetry blog post was about this guy I kinda started seeing that I was excited about but unsure of, and after about five long dates and lots of conversation and giggles, I find myself at a loss. I’ve given what I can, I’ve given it a chance, and I know there’s not much further this can go. My heart isn’t in it. And that’s just how it goes.
It’s no secret that I date a lot. A lot, a lot. I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed, because I think it’s good to date in your 20s and put yourself out there. I just get bored easily. My friends and coworkers often ask me about about my dating life and the “guy of the week,” which sounds shitty, but it’s really not like that. I don’t have a new guy every week, and Lord knows I haven’t had sex in ages, so it’s all pretty innocent for the most part. I rarely make it to a second date, because I know what feels right to me. And then every now and then I’ll get excited for a second date and feel comfortable with someone, but then I get bored fairly quickly. This sounds kind of obnoxious, but guys tend to fall for me, and I get stressed out because I can’t return the feelings. Not “stressed out” because I feel broken or like something is wrong, but stressed out in an exhausted sense.
I sometimes find myself in this place where it’s easy to feel comfortable, but I can’t find a deeper connection within that. It’s a little hard to explain but I’mma try… I think there’s a significant difference between comfortability and chemistry. Most of the time, I’ll go on a date and not feel any romantic connection, so I get a little closed off and don’t feel the need to open up, because I know there won’t be a second date. But every so often I’ll meet someone that I feel a connection with. It’s either an obvious romantic connection mixed with comfortability (those go hand in hand for me) or a sense of comfortability with a possibility for romance that I’m not sure of yet. So, sometimes I’ll meet someone I’m attracted to, and there’s this immediate comfortability which leads us to spend hours talking and sharing goofy and personal and sexual things about ourselves, which excites guys and causes them to become more interested in me, because we’ve shared so much. But, I often realize fairly quickly that although I’m comfortable talking and sharing, I don’t see romance in our future. Or I just stop feeling excited, because I don’t see it going any further. And then I have to break the news to someone who thinks we’re off to a great start, which is hard for me to do.
I feel like my words aren’t totally clear here, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s easy for me to open up and make others feel like they can open up, but that doesn’t mean that always leads to long-lasting romance and love. In fact, it doesn’t lead to love more often than it does lead to love. So often while watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette (guilty pleasure, sorry not sorry), contestants speak of how hard it is for them to open up and be vulnerable. I think a lot of people have that problem—many of my friends included—but opening up and being vulnerable has never been a problem for me. I’m pretty dang honest all the time, and I’m extra honest and forward and flirty when I’m attracted to someone. So it’s tough having to let someone down and tell them I don’t see a romantic future after I’ve spent time getting to know them and making them feel like they can share their world and thoughts and feelings with me. But that’s dating. That’s the name of the game. You open up as much as you can in order to see what’s there and if it’s something that could lead to a romantic relationship.
I think I catch guys off guard with how open and silly and no-filter I am that they’re confused when I tell them I don’t have the same feelings they have. But I guess that’s just because I lead with all the things people usually keep inside until they get to know others better. I don’t like to waste time or fuck around, especially when it comes to dating. If there’s a mutual connection for me and a guy, I want to let that be known right away so we can see how far we can take it. If it’s short-lived, bummer but fine. If it lasts a while, hell yeah.
There’s a few guys that have been on my brain lately, but I’ve come to realize there’s only one I’m really excited about right now. Even my mom told me on the phone that she only hears excitement in my voice when it comes to one particular guy—someone I’ve been curious about for a while. And it just so happens to be the one guy I can’t approach in the forward way I’d normally approach someone, because there’s a professional aspect to it and a status difference between us within the professional aspect. So that makes the whole thing tricky but almost extra intriguing, because I have to get creative to see what’s there between us (if anything), and I get to take it slowly but be on the lookout for signals. I think that’s all I’ll say about that.
And then there’s age. This is a biggie for me right now, especially because I’ve started dating guys in their 30s in the last year. (I’m 23.) For a long time I had this rule that I wouldn’t date guys more than four years older than me, and that was just because my brother is four years older than me and it felt weird dating guys older than him. But as I’ve gotten older and realized most of my friends are five to ten years older than me, it’s silly to be so strict about age. Age matters to me, but it’s not as big of a deal as it once was. I often find that single guys between 26 and 28 are more ready for a relationship than guys between 29 and 33. I think there’s this weird thing that happens around late 20s/early 30s for guys with their friends being married and having kids, and if they’re not there yet, something weird happens inside. Maybe that’s just a silly theory of mine, but one of my girlfriends and I have decided we think there’s truth to it. I dunno, man. I’m just tryna say that age doesn’t always matter so much.
Aaaaanyway… It’s easy for me to have witty banter as well as deep conversations with guys in their early 30s, but sometimes I feel like if I do connect deeply with someone that much older than me, we might come to this crossroads in which I realize there’s more I still need to do as a single person while he’s ready to get married and start a life with someone. I always saw myself getting married kinda young and starting a family in my mid-late 20s, but I don’t know if I see that for myself anymore. I don’t think I want that anymore. I want to really live out my 20s. But I also want love. As silly as this sounds, I think this season of The Bachelor, as boring as it was for the most part, really hit home for me in terms of the relationship between Arie, who I think was 36 during filming, and Bekah M., who was 22. Bekah excited Arie and challenged him in a way nobody else did, but when it came down to it, he felt she was too young for marriage. She felt ready and knew she was mature enough, but even if she is ready in the maturity sense, she may not be ready in the life experiences sense. It’s hard for me to put into words what I’m trying to say, but I saw so much of myself in Bekah. She’s like the archetypal manic pixie dream girl you see in movies like Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind— the beautiful, intriguing, quirky woman who challenges a man in the ways he needs to be challenged in order to grow as a person. I often feel like I’m a more tame version of that. I find comfort in being the quirky, foul-mouthed young woman who surprises guys with how unfiltered she is, especially because I don’t necessarily look like I’m that way. And maybe I try too hard to be that sometimes. But I also know when to be serious and call myself out when I’m being too much. I just want to have a fun life and be the kind of woman a guy spends time with and knows, “A life with her would be fun.” But it’s also important to me for a guy to know that he’d be supported and loved if he’s with me. And that I’m not silly all the time; that I get serious and existential and curious and people watch and wonder about strangers’ lives.
This post has been very all over the place, but I wanted to try to get out as much of my thoughts as possible. It helps me and lets me check in with myself. I’m in this place where I’m comfortable being single but also feel ready for a relationship. But I’m scared to pull someone in and get them excited only to hurt them, because I might soon decide I want to give up my normal life for a while and travel the world alone to learn more about myself and other people and places. If I connect with a guy in his 30s who’s already had some of the experiences that I’m craving now, will we both end up hurt? Or could we find a way to give each other space to grow and make it work? I’m getting way ahead of myself, I know. I’m not an over-thinker in a way that makes me sabotage relationships or get too in my head in a negative way; I’m an over-thinker in the sense that I think a lot. About anything and everything. I’m curious, and I picture my life going so many different ways, and I have a lot of crushes but am also really picky. I have an idea of the kind of person I see myself with, but that’s constantly evolving in little ways the more I meet people and see how other couples make things work.
OKAY. OKAY. Enough outta me. I’ve said so much, but I also know I could keep going on and on if I don’t stop myself now. I know when I finish this I’m going to think of other things I wish I had word vomited here, but that’s okay. My mind is racing everywhere right now, so a little relaxation sounds delightful.