A Wandering Soul, Not a Wandering Eye
So, it’s St. Paddy’s Day, and I’m enjoying a peaceful evening alone in my apartment. I worked my usual brunch shift this morning/afternoon, made some good money, came home, did a little Trader Joe’s slash Asian market run, came home again to eat a little sumfin, walked to my local movie theater to see "Love, Simon" (a damn delight— I laughed and cried), went on a walk through my neighborhood and passed some poppin’ bars… Now I’m on the couch in sweats drinking wine, writing, and waiting for my laundry to be fresh and clean.
I feel content. A teensy bit lonely, but pretty content. It’s kinda rare to have the apartment to myself at night, so it feels very peaceful. I’m feeling a little déjà vu, because when I bring my computer to the couch and no one’s home, I’m reminded of my Thanksgiving tradition in which I spend the day cooking in my empty apartment and then eat, drink wine, watch TV, and blog. I think of how painful it was for me to just sit and do exactly what I’m doing right now back when I was fresh off my last breakup. That seems so far away but also so close in terms of my memories. More specifically, the memories of the heartbreak. How hard it was to be alone and try to sleep without feeling bombarded by pain.
The other night, this guy on Bumble and I started our conversation off on a half-serious-half-light-hearted note. We jokingly asked each other really intense questions right off the bat, based on a joke in his bio. One of the first things he said to me was, “Ever been heartbroken? If so, how would you describe it?” I had this moment of, I could just make a joke and play it off, but I also want to answer this honestly. So, I answered honestly. I responded, “Yes. There’s intense grief and pain that goes beyond the emotional to the physical. You can feel it in your bones. And as much as you believe everything happens that way it’s supposed to and know you’ll eventually be okay and happy again, the idea of that feels so far away. You forget how you ever slept without feeling pain. You realize that all your favorite memories are the ones that now hurt the most. And even if you’re the 'breaker,' that shit sill hurts like hell as much as if you aren’t.” And then, of course, I added, “Bam, bam! Just a little light conversation to start us off. Song you’ve been listening to a lot lately?”
I’m a flirt and a goofball, but I also don’t fuck around when it comes to dating. Like, I obviously fuck around all the time in the sense that I’m a silly goose and don’t have a filter most of the time, and if I’m being honest I’ve been making out with a lot of people lately. Buuuut I don’t fuck around when it comes to actual dating. Like, I’ve been in this makeout mode recently in which I just wanna make out with cute guys I meet and some of my hot guy friends, and once I have it in my head I want to make out with someone, there’s a 99% chance I’ll make it happen. Hey, I’m young, ya know? But in terms of actual dating and relationship potential, I’m very alert and don’t deal with bullshit. I pick up on red flags. I know what feels right to me. I can spot a fuckboy from a mile away. If you show me a lack of respect or honesty, I get sassy and lose interest, no matter how attractive I find you physically. And if I don’t see a future with you, I can’t just casually date and hang out and have sex and act like everything’s cool. I’m forward as hell when I’m Interested, but the second I don’t see a future, I pull back. I just don’t have it in me to do the small talk and the whole casual thing. I need to be excited and giddy. Once you’ve got me, you’ve got me. But if I don’t feel excited and blown away by you as a human, I have a wandering eye. Or a wandering soul, as my friend called it the other day.
I was with a girlfriend the other day on a nice lady date, and I mentioned how my brother has a bit of a wandering eye and hasn’t found someone thus far in his life that has his full attention. Then I said I can be like that sometimes— have a bit of a wandering eye. But my friend said, “Your brother has a wandering eye. You have a wandering soul.” And damn, she hit the nail on the head! I’m not looking around, thinking, “Where are all the hot guys I can have sex with?” Rather, I’m thinking, “Who’s going to light my soul on fire and awaken the giddy little kid that I become when I’m excited about someone?” I’m giddy a lot of the time, but there’s a certain giddiness to me that only comes alive when I really like or love someone romantically. I love that part of me.
I’ve written a lot lately about how connected I am to my independence and how I don’t know if I’m meant to be in a relationship any time soon, but I’m not sure where I stand on that right now— the “not meant to be in a relationship right now” part. I kinda go back and forth on it. The last week or two, I’ve been feeling mushy. If you’ve been in a relationship with me, you know all about my “mushy.” “Mushy” is a word I use to describe a few different things… 1.) When I feel cuddly and romantic and wanna lie in bed and listen to love songs. 2.) When I’m in a relationship and wanna be all lovey dovey, cutesy, touchy feely, and physically intimate with my boyfriend. 3.) When I’m drunk and want someone who I can send and receive flirty texts to/from, whether that’s a boyfriend or guy who makes me feel sexy. When I’m in a relationship, the term “mushy” becomes a known thing. I’ve been known to send the following text to my boyfriends: “I’m feeling mushy. I wanna kiss your face.” I even slipped up and texted it to the last guy I dated when I was out with some girlfriends and a little wine drunk. I know it may sound cheap that I’ve said it to more than one person, but when I mean it, I mean it. It’s just what I say when I want to flirt and maybe send some sexy photos to my guy if I’m not physically with him.
And lemme tell ya, I’ve been feeling verrrrry mushy lately. I’ll just stop randomly throughout my day while running errands or walking outside or getting ready for bed, and I have this feeling of, I can see myself doing this with someone. I can see myself in a relationship right now. And I haven't felt that in a while. I’ve also noticed that I’ve started building more female friendships, calling my girlfriends “babe” (lol that sounds so silly, but it’s delightful), and I’m even more physically affectionate with my friends—women and men. I’ve felt myself trying to get closer to people, making extra effort to keep up with old friends, and working at building new friendships. I think I just want to find my people and feel close to people that make me feel good.
When it comes down to it, I’m really just looking to stay connected to myself and my independence AND stay open to love, both in terms of friendship and romance.
Okay, that's all I got for tonight! Byeeeeee.