Tipsy Thoughts on The Guy Who May Have Loved Me the Most
Alright, I’m just gonna say it. I’m tipsy and horny and lonely, and I’ve got a lot on my mind. Sue me, ya know? Jk don’t, that would be insane. I just drank wine and watched “Sleeping with Other People” on Netflix with my roommate. (Damn it, Jason Sudeikis is a dream, and that movie will get your dirty thoughts going.) I got wine drunk enough to stare off into space and ponder, as I tend to do when I hit that alcohol-infused sweet spot. Some people are mean drunks, but I’m a gentle, inquisitive drunk (and funny, too, if I do say so myself). I get this laser focus and just want to talk to friends and strangers about anything and everything, and I listen more intently than I normally do. Which, I like to think, is saying a lot, because I’m a pretty good listener normally. Sometimes I zone out and have deep thoughts that no one else is aware of. I just sit back and feel this sense of nostalgia and longing for guys who have loved me and guys I’ve wanted to love.
This movie made me think of one particular person—the same person I thought of when I watched “When Harry Met Sally” for the very first time fairly recently. It’s a guy in my life who probably loves me (or loved me, I don’t know anymore) more than any guy ever has, which is a loaded thing to say when you consider the fact that he and I have never been in a relationship or even kissed. We met when we both lived in Los Angeles, and we remained friends through his moves to both Kansas and back to his home state of New Orleans. Let’s call this guy “A.” “A” was the “friend zoned” guy I wanted to fall in love with but never could. But maybe I did in some way that I can’t explain. Side note: I hate the term "friend zoned," because it implies you're teasing someone just by being their friend, because they might have romantic feelings for you, which is silly. Aaaanyway, I keep two voicemail messages from him that he left two years apart—at different but similar points in time—and while they do make me smile to myself because they have nuggets of humor in them, I sometimes I cry listening to them, because all I can hear is the voice of a guy who loves me and sees me for everything I want a guy to see me for…but I never saw him as the one for me. But I do love him in this way that’s, at once, clear to me and oh so confusing.
I often have this thought that I’ve never really shared with anyone. And it's this thought that, although I crave deep, forever love and am excited to have that one day, I get sad thinking about the relationships that will inevitably change, maybe even end, once I have that—particularly my relationships with certain guy friends, especially "A." I think a lot of us have friends that we’ve been flirty with or toyed with the idea of a relationship with, whether serious or casual. Or maybe we have someone in our life that we've dated or been in a relationship with that we still have “what if” thoughts about and haven’t fully let go of. We have people that we keep close enough to be comforted by in a sense but not too close that we don’t leave room for a potential romantic relationship with someone else. “A” was that person for me for a long time—my comfort person. There have been two separate instances, though—one in 2015 and one in 2017—in which he chose to distance himself from me in order to move on with his life, because if he didn’t stop communicating with me he’d be closing himself off to someone he could actually fall in love with what might return his feelings…which I never could. And that's what the aforementioned voicemails were— him telling me he'd never see me as "just a friend" because he loves me too much, and other beautiful things that make me sad and happy at the same time. He was the person I called in hysterics when I left my ex’s house when we officially broke up. He’s the person I talked to on the phone almost every night, and FaceTimed with, for months after my last breakup. He’s the person I sent sexy photos to when I was drunk (or sober, let’s be real) and feelin' myself (for the record: I've only ever sent sexy photos to my two exes and "A"). He’s the person I, apparently, think of when I watch a movie like “Sleeping with Other People” on Netflix. But he’s in a relationship now. And that’s how things tend to go. I'm happy for him, but I miss him.
This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve felt betrayed in a way that isn’t necessarily warranted. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a guy in my life who wants to be with me and holds onto every sliver of hope I offer up in the form up drunk and lonely texts even though I don’t really feel the same way for him that he does for me, even though I wish I did. And maybe that makes me sound selfish to some people, but it's also part of human nature. I never have malicious intentions, but I am human. I get lonely and sad and try my best to tackle my feelings and emotions head on, but sometimes I end up finding comfort in someone it isn't exactly fair to find comfort in. But we're all adults making our own choices, and sometimes our choices aren't "right" but they are right in the moment.
I remember this one time after my last breakup when I had “A” in my life (even though we were in separate states and hadn't physically seen each other in about two years) but wasn’t over my ex, “W.” I would vent to “A” about my heartbreak, and he tried to be there for me even though I was breaking his heart with every word I spoke. I was sad and frustrated and probably being unfair to “A,” but I was in too fragile a state to cut things off and choose to save his heart before my own. I knew I wasn’t being fair, but I needed someone to be there for me. And he was. This one night I was telling him how I found myself in a scary situation outside a guy's apartment and called “W” but hung up the phone immediately, because I didn’t know what I would even say to "W." But “W” texted me back shortly after, asked if I was okay, and talked me through things when I told him what had happened. I told “A” how “W” was there for me even though I had ended things with him and how much it meant to me. And then “A” said something that broke my heart and comforted me at the same time. He said, “How lucky are you to have two people that love and care about you so much that they’ll be there for you at the drop of a hat?” I immediately typed out that quote in my phone and have kept it since. That was the best and worst thing I could have possibly heard from “A.” Because the person saying it was quite possibly more in love with me than the person I was actually in love with. I still don’t know for sure. I know they both loved me. They were both safe havens for me at that time, but in very different ways. And I spent so many hours thinking, These are my two people. But which one is THE one for me, if either of them? I still don’t know. Maybe neither of them are the one. Then again, maybe they were both the one at different times...
Now, going back to what I said a couple paragraphs up about this whole thing making me seem selfish... I feel the need to mention that I did tell "A" a handful of times that if staying in touch with me was too hard on his heart, he should tell me and I'd stop texting and calling him and turning to him for everything. But he didn't want to let go. And neither did I. We both needed each other, even though we very well knew that the more we talked and the closer we got, the harder everything would be down the road. Because, at this point, he was like a long-distance boyfriend to me that I could tell everything to and get love from without having to face the fact that I didn't really see myself with him, even though I wanted to be in love with him so badly. I knew he'd answer my FaceTime calls from a bar in New Orleans and make everyone around him look at "how pretty" I am. I knew he loved hearing about my endless desire for marriage and a family. I knew his voice would comfort me to sleep when I was feeling lonely. I knew what to say and just how to giggle to get him to swoon. I guess he and I kinda decided, "To hell with it," and kept acting like this couple we actually weren't. Until it got too hard for him yet again and he had to distance himself. And that's how it's been for almost a year. I know we'll talk again. I know we'll see each other again. Part of me wonders if my feelings will have changed when I finally see him in person again after however many years. Maybe I'll feel romantic feelings that were never there before. But maybe I won't. Maybe he's just a soulmate in my life that I hold close to my heart but am not meant to be with.
Either way, "A" he was right about one thing. I am so lucky to have had men that have loved and cared about me so much they'd be there for me at the drop of a hat. Even if I don't have those men in my life now the way they once were, I know I was lucky to have them. And I know I have other men now who are there for me. I know I'll have more as life goes on. But the more I think about it, the more I realize "A" is different than most of the others. He's a soulmate. I'm not sure I even understand the extent of that right now, because I think there's more to our story—whether in a friendship way or something more. I don't know what's to come, but I do know I feel grateful and at peace for the time being.