Overwhelmed by all the career paths & comedy
I haven’t written or blogged much this week, and I think that might be due to the overwhelmingness of it. It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel genuine passionate about so many things and have so much to say, because you can get so caught up in wanting to say everything that you end up saying nothing. I try to say something as much as possible and release my thoughts out into the Universe. But I also try to listen. Truly listen. Actively listen.
Just as I can get overwhelmed by how much I have inside of me to say and do, I also get overwhelmed by the fact that I’ll never be able to say and do it all. Sometimes I think about various careers and trades and wish I could just try everything. I wish, in this lifetime, I could be a writer and an actor and a surgeon and a mechanic and a professional athlete and a truck driver and a comedian and a person who creates flight schedules months and months in advance so planes know where to go and don’t crash into each other (how does one even end up with that job?!). There’s this shopping center I go to pretty often that has my go-to stores like Target and TJ Maxx and Nordstrom Rack, but it also has my wanna-go-to stores: Lowe’s Home Improvement, Best Buy, REI. Every single time I drive through the shopping center, without fail, I feel this longing in my bones for could-be lives— lives I could be living right now if I had made different choices. I could be someone who frequents home improvement stores and knows how to fix up houses and bring a broken-down car on the side of the highway back to life. I could be someone who goes to Best Buy to mess around with different gadgets to figure out the best one for my technological needs. I could be someone who feels at home within the walls of REI, looking for the best camping gear for my many adventures all over the world. I want to live these lives. I want to live so many lives. But I know that’s not realistic. So, instead, I can make visits and ask questions and try new things. I can ask someone who’s good with home improvement or fixing up cars to teach me some good things to know how to do. I can ask a tech expert to teach me about cameras and computers. I can take up climbing and plan camping trips that require some gear. There’s so much to do and see that I get overwhelmed, but with that overwhelmed feeling comes excitement and curiosity. I want to connect with people similar to me and different from me. I want to find common ground and learn what makes people tick. I want to explore people’s worlds and get tastes of other’s lives that I get to enter as they’re entering mine.
Maybe I’m going all over the place here, and I know this seems totally unrelated, but I'll try to bring it full circle... So, the news of the passing of Mitzi Shore, the matriarch of The World Famous Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard, hit me hard. I spent 11 months in a relationship with a comedian, and I was a comedy fan well before that. I spent 11 months very involved in the comedy world, and being a comedy girlfriend became a big part of my identity. Even now, a year and a half out of that relationship, it’s still hard for me to separate myself from comedy. I don’t have to separate myself, of course, but I still just feel called to comedy without being a comedian. It’s a weird space to occupy. I love being around comedians, and I keep dating them, but I don’t know where I stand within the comedy world. I always think to myself, The comedy world is my ex’s, not mine. But it’s not just his world. I’m allowed to love comedy and see shows, but it’s hard for me to do that now, because the comedy scene in LA is so small, and it’s near impossible to not cross paths in some way with my ex, whether directly or indirectly through people who he’s friends with. And even though we ended on good terms, there’s still this unspoken discomfort because we said we’d still be friends but aren’t really, and I feel like I’m invading his space by loving comedy and wanting to see shows. Allllll that being said, hearing comedians’ stories of how Mitzi Shore is the reason they’re successful today and get to do comedy for a living warms my heart. Watching old videos of Jim Carrey and Robin Williams performing and hanging out at The Comedy Store hits me in the feels in a way I can’t describe. I feel this love and appreciation mixed with emptiness and disconnect, both because I weirdly wish I was a comedian who got to experience that and because I know that my ex’s comedy career is on the rise but he’ll never get to experience performing at The Comedy Store while Mitzi’s alive. I feel bummed to be an outsider in the comedy world, because I'm a fan rather than a comedian who works hard and writes jokes and gets up at open mics and is trying to make a career. And then I also feel sad for my ex that if/when he does get to start going up at The Comedy Store, he won't be among the people who made it that far while Mitzi was alive. But I'm also proud of him regardless. Maybe that’s just the overwhelmingly loyal girlfriend in me. There’s that word again: overwhelming. It kinda has a negative connotation, but there’s beauty in being overwhelmed. It lets you know you’re alive and feeling things deeply.
I’m just feeling some longing for people and places and career paths I could have had and maybe have yet to experience. I just want to experience so many dang things. And I know I will. Everything will happen in its own time…
Oy, that went all over the place. I just have so much inside of me it’s hard to get it all out.